Your worst enemy

Does your own thought process hurt you? Can your own mind limit the options you have avalable at any given time?

When my son was diagnosed with Autism I went through the stages of grief that many other parents have been through. The perfect life I had envisioned for my son was suddenly gone. I heard the doctors say what he may never be able to do. I wondered how in the hell I would handle with life had thrown at me.

I screamed, I yelled, I probably broke things, and I cried. I didn’t think I could handle raising a child who had such different needs from what I knew. I hated hearing the phrase “God only gives you what you can handle.” Seriously at this point I wanted to know what the hell anyone, including myself, knew about raising a child whose entire life would present with challenges that most people would never understand.  I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS!

In 2010 I found out I was going to have my lil girl. You see the thing about her is I wasn’t exactly happy about being prego again but I didn’t exactly do anything to protect myself from pregnency either. At this point I was back on medications and was told I would have to see a specialist because at 8 weeks into a pregnancy the medications I had been taken could harm the baby. Again what the hell was I being given that I could not handle. Of course the nice doctors gave me the chance to abort knowing what the risks of continuing could be. I COULD NOT HANDLE THIS!

7 months later I had a healthy, problem free, baby girl. She developed normally she slept well, was healthy, walked on time, ate everything in sight. The one thing she did not do on time was develop speech. She has language, she has eye contact, but no speech. She did start developing her speech after her second birthday but it is still minimal at 2 1/2.  Her behavior when she can’t communicate sucks! Yes I said it sucks. In my mind I scream I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS!

Today, as I type this blog, she sits in her rocking chair with her baby in her arms staring at the tv like any child would do. The words she wants to get out stuck in her mind.

The thing about “I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS”  is that everytime this thought comes into my mind I sink slowly into this black hole and start a pitty party for one. I won’t listen to the good, I only see the challenges that my younger two have and the challenges that our entire family has been handed.  My mind and thought process start dictating to me what I can and can not do.

In the end, the can’t turns into can because I realize when I am not dealing with the “I CAN’T” thought process I am already handling it. Maybe not in the best way, or the right way everytime, but I am doing it the best way I know how. Thats all any one can do.


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