This past month has been a roller coaster and to be honest extremely tough on me. I deal with my bipolar disorder on a constant basis. Up until about a month and a half ago I was on a good mix of meds that kept me pretty stable and able to handle the ups and downs of any given day in this crazy house and life in general. Then it all changed. My antidepressant just couldn’t keep up anymore. I crashed and I crashed hard. All I wanted to do was hide away. If it didn’t absolutely, like life or death, have to be done I didn’t do it. I couldn’t clean or cook, and I sure as hell did not want to deal with any of the many doctors appointments we had to go to. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. Following this sinking hole of depression came the much loved upswing of mania. I could do anything. I surely thought I was super woman, an unplanned trip to Disney Sure not a problem. Taking on more children than my own, you got it! I could do it all. My house was spotless, the sensory play that came from all of this was amazing. I didn’t need sleep so my lil girls sleep issues weren’t such issues. This is the really dangerous part of my mania, all the nasty thoughts I have during the depression seem like they might be gone. Two weeks of this then again start the blinding crash to depression. In comes the SIB, the cutting came back and none of the coping methods I have were working for a damn. At this point it seems that things have stabilized with med changes and I can finally function. It doesn’t mean that a slide isn’t still looming, but it is better. While I was getting the meds straight it seemed like everytime I turned around someone was always in a crisis situation and I had to be the one strong enough to handle it.
Through all my own ups and downs, I had to deal with the needs of the kids. We had to find the preschool for them, prep for the upcoming IEP meetings, schedule more evals and line up an advocate for IEP meetings. Of course lets not leave out getting everyone ready and back to a school schedule and make sure lil advocate is lined up for her gifted testing in September.
We had the little two’s annual check ups, and while lil man has progressed so much and his achievements have shown through his struggles are masked. He is very social around adults and older children, but when he is with his peers he shuts down. Lil girl is the same way. They want to take away some of his services because in their settings he is “normal.” What the hell, not all children with autism are completely anti-social. Just because he can speak doesn’t mean he can communicate at all times. But he looks so normal! My son’s struggle with autism is just that, his. As I type this post, he is sitting in front of the computer rocking back and forth.
The list of what he has learned this summer is long, but the list of things he can not yet do is just as long. He knows his colors, but not his numbers, He is learning what the letters look like, but can’t differentiate between upper and lower case. He can put his pants on, but not his own socks. Yet the doctors wants to take away the very services that helped us get to this point.
I want to scream and shout at them to realize, that yes we have come a long way but still have a long way to go. Seeing him the the peds office where mommy has spent a week with social stories and talking about it, is not the same as seeing him in is environment where I can not prep him for every little thing.
This past month and a half has sucked, but still I am here and I will continue to fight for everything my children need to succeed in life.