Green Eyed Monster

I’d say we are all friends here. Here is where I share my biggest joys and happiness, it’s also where I share my fears and disappointments. Tonight I am going to do just that … Share.

I have been extremely happy with the progress little girl is making with her language. I’m over the moon and I am not in anyway negating the joy I have for this situation. But I am jealous. I’m jealous of the little girl who just turned two and is speaking in clear three word sentences. I am jealous of the kids in Lil girl’s preschool class that are younger than her. Those that don’t regress in their behaviors, those that clearly speak their wants and needs. I am jealous of those moms who understand their beautiful little child and don’t play guessing games as to what they want.

I am angry at myself for not understanding her all the time. I am angry at myself for not always knowing what my very verbal son wants. I am also jealous of those families that are not worrying about if their child will run off on them and disappear while trick or treating. I am jealous of that family that can go with their child and not have to have one adult per child because two of them may run off and end up in a lake or hit by a car or taken by a stranger. I am angry that I am jealous because my children are progressing and I watch them work hard to get to their best self. I am angry at being self centered when it is the kids who have to battle this battle daily and they are happy.

I am jealous and angry because my oldest needs more attention than I can give her because her brother and sister are always in need of something.

But most of all I am an emotional wreck that just wants what is best for all three of her children. I am an emotional wreck that wishes I was more grateful for the progress and growth and a little less resentful at the hand of cards my life has given me.

I am a human being and I am a mom …

Little Girl

ImageIn 2010 I brought home the most beautiful little girl. She had a mind of her own from the start. She was born three weeks early. She was a little yellow, and a little under weight but healthy and all mine. I watched her meet all of her milestones up until she was a year old. Then I watched her milestones slow down. I watched my beautiful little girl lose the few signs she knew, I watched her babbling stop and heard her become silent.  That is a parents biggest fear. 

At 18 months, I saw so many signs in my little girl. She was just like her brother in so many ways. She didn’t enjoy interacting with her siblings. I thought this was because her brother has social skill issues, that if I put her in preschool this would change. So I spent money I didn’t have to ensure that she had social interaction with her peers. I hoped that the signs I was seeing were not leading me down this road once again. 

She started flapping, she started lining up her toys. It looks like it would be normal until you look closer. We joke that little girl makes her lines so pretty,  yet inside I am crying NOT AGAIN! YOU HAVE TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! She has amazing eye contact and is social with adults and children older than her … they say those two things disqualify her for an autism diagnosis. This also means we get no services.  She is one point too high in two areas for help.

I have spent hours fighting to get her therapy and even more hours working one on one with her while the older two kids are in school on speech sounds. Around two and a half we got speech sounds. Then unintelligible single words with gesturing. These things didn’t happen over night, but after hours of work.  For every step we took forward, we would take a few steps back as well. 

This past week we have seen a huge development. Spontaneous speech. Thats right, not just echoing, but actually words with intent. We also have had a lot of functional echoing. This makes me hopeful. This reminds me that gains are not accidents but a result of hard work and dedication. Even if lil girl loses her words again, I know they are in there and one day I will hear them again.

 

A mom’s thoughts

We can’t always be on our game. We all have moments that we wish we had said something different or done something a different way. Tonight, well actually today, was my day. 

Little man had a rough day. His Speech Therapist had to cancel his session at the last minute. We were already at the school when she came out to tell us she was stuck in a meeting. He shut down. Lil man covered his eyes and pressed his face into the couch in the office of the school.  Normally he is pretty good about changes in routines. The exception to this is when I don’t have enough time to let him know of the change. 

Wishing for normal …

Of course, like many other children on the spectrum, this one upset in our day set the tone for the rest of the day. It was rough. I wish I could have taken a day off from the stress that this type of upset causes. 

Wishing for normal …

While we were walking out of the school the bell rang. Both little girl and lil man covered their ears. Lil Man stopped in the middle of the street, he froze while little girl ran in the middle of the street to escape the noise.  I am only one person. I need more hands to react to each of their needs. They both were bothered by the noise, but both of them reacted in completely different ways. 

Why can’t they regulate …

Wishing for normal …

To help ease the stress, I took them to get pancakes. They love their pancakes and it seemed like a good idea. Once we got home it was constant fighting. The two of them were physically hurting each other. It breaks my heart when it gets to this point. I don’t want to keep them away from one another. I want them to interact, but I also have a responsibility to each of them to keep them safe. Luckily they started to get along a little better after I was able to get them set up with an activity. 

Wishing for normal …

After lunch lil girl took a nap and lil man laid down with me for some cuddling. It was great, except he stimmed the whole time. Then someone decided to ring the doorbell. It’s not like it was a random person, the girl I tutor has been told not to ring the doorbell because it causes the dog to bark which makes the younger two cover their ears and screech. Yet she still rang the doorbell. 

Wishing for normal …

By the time hubby got home I was tired and stressed. I wanted to check out. I needed to clear my mind, but dinner needed to done and so did baths and bed. Luckily that part went smoothly. 

Finally something normal. 

Here is where I made my mistake … I voiced my thoughts. I said what no parent should ever say. I told hubby I just want a normal. I want out of this loop of melt downs and tantrums. I told him a normal child wouldn’t have their entire day thrown off because they didn’t go to speech. A normal child wouldn’t screech because someone laughed too loud in the car. A normal child would be able to function despite a change in their routine. 

I JUST WANT NORMAL

Then came the look. I hurt my family with my thoughts. My unvoiced demons came out. I can’t believe I did that. I know better, normal is a setting on a dryer. Or so they say … 

I have normal, our day is our normal. My son and youngest daughter struggle with the same things I struggle with. I can’t blame them for not being able to deal with last minute change. I can’t even deal with it. I however am 30 year old. I have had many years of practice to develop my coping skills that allow me to function in the “normal” world. 

My children are doing the best they can, and I needed to see that look on my husbands face to realize that no matter how much stress that this life brings us, it is our normal and my kids will learn to cope in their way in their own time. 

I have normal, We do function, We do regulate, We do the best we can.