A mom’s thoughts

We can’t always be on our game. We all have moments that we wish we had said something different or done something a different way. Tonight, well actually today, was my day. 

Little man had a rough day. His Speech Therapist had to cancel his session at the last minute. We were already at the school when she came out to tell us she was stuck in a meeting. He shut down. Lil man covered his eyes and pressed his face into the couch in the office of the school.  Normally he is pretty good about changes in routines. The exception to this is when I don’t have enough time to let him know of the change. 

Wishing for normal …

Of course, like many other children on the spectrum, this one upset in our day set the tone for the rest of the day. It was rough. I wish I could have taken a day off from the stress that this type of upset causes. 

Wishing for normal …

While we were walking out of the school the bell rang. Both little girl and lil man covered their ears. Lil Man stopped in the middle of the street, he froze while little girl ran in the middle of the street to escape the noise.  I am only one person. I need more hands to react to each of their needs. They both were bothered by the noise, but both of them reacted in completely different ways. 

Why can’t they regulate …

Wishing for normal …

To help ease the stress, I took them to get pancakes. They love their pancakes and it seemed like a good idea. Once we got home it was constant fighting. The two of them were physically hurting each other. It breaks my heart when it gets to this point. I don’t want to keep them away from one another. I want them to interact, but I also have a responsibility to each of them to keep them safe. Luckily they started to get along a little better after I was able to get them set up with an activity. 

Wishing for normal …

After lunch lil girl took a nap and lil man laid down with me for some cuddling. It was great, except he stimmed the whole time. Then someone decided to ring the doorbell. It’s not like it was a random person, the girl I tutor has been told not to ring the doorbell because it causes the dog to bark which makes the younger two cover their ears and screech. Yet she still rang the doorbell. 

Wishing for normal …

By the time hubby got home I was tired and stressed. I wanted to check out. I needed to clear my mind, but dinner needed to done and so did baths and bed. Luckily that part went smoothly. 

Finally something normal. 

Here is where I made my mistake … I voiced my thoughts. I said what no parent should ever say. I told hubby I just want a normal. I want out of this loop of melt downs and tantrums. I told him a normal child wouldn’t have their entire day thrown off because they didn’t go to speech. A normal child wouldn’t screech because someone laughed too loud in the car. A normal child would be able to function despite a change in their routine. 

I JUST WANT NORMAL

Then came the look. I hurt my family with my thoughts. My unvoiced demons came out. I can’t believe I did that. I know better, normal is a setting on a dryer. Or so they say … 

I have normal, our day is our normal. My son and youngest daughter struggle with the same things I struggle with. I can’t blame them for not being able to deal with last minute change. I can’t even deal with it. I however am 30 year old. I have had many years of practice to develop my coping skills that allow me to function in the “normal” world. 

My children are doing the best they can, and I needed to see that look on my husbands face to realize that no matter how much stress that this life brings us, it is our normal and my kids will learn to cope in their way in their own time. 

I have normal, We do function, We do regulate, We do the best we can. 

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