Green Eyed Monster

I’d say we are all friends here. Here is where I share my biggest joys and happiness, it’s also where I share my fears and disappointments. Tonight I am going to do just that … Share.

I have been extremely happy with the progress little girl is making with her language. I’m over the moon and I am not in anyway negating the joy I have for this situation. But I am jealous. I’m jealous of the little girl who just turned two and is speaking in clear three word sentences. I am jealous of the kids in Lil girl’s preschool class that are younger than her. Those that don’t regress in their behaviors, those that clearly speak their wants and needs. I am jealous of those moms who understand their beautiful little child and don’t play guessing games as to what they want.

I am angry at myself for not understanding her all the time. I am angry at myself for not always knowing what my very verbal son wants. I am also jealous of those families that are not worrying about if their child will run off on them and disappear while trick or treating. I am jealous of that family that can go with their child and not have to have one adult per child because two of them may run off and end up in a lake or hit by a car or taken by a stranger. I am angry that I am jealous because my children are progressing and I watch them work hard to get to their best self. I am angry at being self centered when it is the kids who have to battle this battle daily and they are happy.

I am jealous and angry because my oldest needs more attention than I can give her because her brother and sister are always in need of something.

But most of all I am an emotional wreck that just wants what is best for all three of her children. I am an emotional wreck that wishes I was more grateful for the progress and growth and a little less resentful at the hand of cards my life has given me.

I am a human being and I am a mom …


One thought on “Green Eyed Monster

  1. Your words are so heart felt, and soul wrenching. I have these moments myself and the guilt can sometimes be overwhelming. Know that you are not alone, you are spot on when you say that you are a human being and a mom . . . we all have frailties – it is what make you a better mother!!!

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