This is me

Imagine a world where nothing matters, you could do anything. You thought you were invincible. Money could be spent without a thought to how the bills would be paid. Imagine a world where you were the best at everything and you needed very little sleep to get things done.  This world sounds kind of nice doesn’t it?

 Well this is mania – it’s my mania to be exact. It also comes with some very dangerous side effects. That money that you spent, you needed it to pay your rent or buy formula for the baby.  The things I think I can do because I’m unstoppable, well they have consequences as well. Those things almost destroyed my marriage more than once.  This phase can last for a few hours to a month or more at a time for me. Then comes the next phase … I crash.

 I fall into a bottomless pit of depression. It’s dark, it’s scary and most of all it is real. I’m not talking about sit around and cry type of depression. Oh that would be a piece of cake compared to what I experience.  When I hit this depression personal care doesn’t matter. If someone didn’t tell me to take a shower or brush my teeth I probably wouldn’t. During this depression I am not a good mom, I do the bare minimum to make sure my children are taken care of. Not because I don’t want to take care of them, but because I can’t.

 The dark world of this depression hurts physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m not good enough for anyone. I can list all of my faults to an exact measurement, even if no one else can see them. It’s during these depressions that I truly believe that the world would be a better place without me. I know how much of a burden I am on my family, and honestly when I am depressed because of my bipolar lows I know in my heart of hearts that my family would be better off without having to constantly worry about me.  

 As scary as those low points sound, they really aren’t the worst of it. It’s when you cycle back up into mania that it becomes dangerous. All of those negative thoughts you have during depression you now have the motivation to do.

My bipolar disorder has had a major impact on my life. It has impacted my family and those around me. It has led my husband to watch me attempt suicide and have to call 911 to have me hospitalized.  My bipolar disorder has led to my mother to question what she did wrong. She has had to sit in a doctor’s office and be told that without medications I would continue this destructive path.

With medications, which need to be adjusted every so often, I can be somewhat stable. Even that isn’t perfect. I still slip into nasty depressions and scary manias. This is my bipolar disorder; this is part of our life for better or worse. 

Changes are hard

Sunday night the kids and I talked about the changes that were going to come our way on Monday.

Mommy starts school again on Monday, just like you do. We will wake up early. We will go to school everyday. Mommy will pick you up from school after snack. Mommy will be home every night.

We have been having this conversation and this social story since winter break started in December. The only thing that changed is the start day.  Monday came and we woke up early. Lil man and Lil girl both made it out of the house on time without meltdowns! (win for me)

As we get into the car and are driving to school lil man tells me “It’s sleep time, sun sleep.”  Lil girl puts her two cents in “sun sleep.” Yes kiddos it is dark out. I’m sorry that you are having to be to school at 6:30 in the morning before the sun has even come up in the morning.  As we finish our short drive to the preschool and get out the car lil girl is excited to be back. Lil man knows that it is his job to press the smiley face so I can sign him in.

But now comes the change … We don’t drop off in the cafeteria for breakfast, it’s still too early for that. We don’t go to lil man’s class because his teacher isn’t there yet. He and his sister both go to the two year old room where they will wait for their teachers to come in for the day.

Where was mommy’s head? I didn’t think to prep them for this. How will they handle this change?

Lil girl was great about it. It was her class and her teacher so it was normal. Lil man threw himself on the ground crying as I tried to leave. He stood up as I walked out the door and ran after me.  Change is hard! 

At the end of the day Daddy and I pick up the kids from school. They tell us that lil girl will be transitioned into the three year old classroom. That it will be done in a single day.

Mommy isn’t ready for this! She isn’t able to fully communicate. She isn’t developmentally where the other three year olds are. She is below where most two year olds are. 

She made it into the three year old room with no issues. I watched her today when I picked her up. She loves the room and the new toys. She loves to sit by the other children doing her own thing. But she is there. She was ready even though I wasn’t.

Change is hard. It’s hard for a mom to let go and watch her children go into a new situation when you aren’t sure how they will do. It’s hard to accept that children change and grow. But change also teaches you things. This change taught me that lil girl loves the babies in the classroom and all the kitchen stuff to play with. She loves that she can do her own thing and still not be worried about the others in the classroom.

Lil girl taught me that while I might not be ready for it, she was and she is happy there. Change is hard, but needed if a child will progress to the next step. Whatever that may be for that child.

Remembering who you are

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Ohio State Marching Band

Friday night football games were a way of life for me in high school. I was the ultimate band dork! I had dreams of attending Ohio State and being part of this prestigious band that dots the “I” in script Ohio. Ultimately I did not attend Ohio State, rather I stayed in Florida to build the life I have today.

Fast forward 12 years to present day.  I have three beautiful children, I am finishing my degree in Special Education in May of this year. I have an amazing husband that supports me. He helps me find myself when I lose myself in the family roles and the delicate balancing  act that these roles require.

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Before the game

This year my mom helped one more of dreams come true. I got to see Ohio State play live and in a bowl game no less. My amazing Hubby took over parenting duties for the day so I could be free to be me. For one night I was able to go out and know that my children were being taken care of by their daddy. As I got ready I realized I was doing things for me that I rarely do anymore.  I shaved my legs, I put on pants that were not sweats or yoga pants, I did my hair and I did my make up. I left for the game feeling like a woman and not just a tired mommy and wife.

With two children with special needs and one who is as typical as can be but still needs more attention to combat the amount of attention that the younger two need, it is easy to forget to take care of yourself. It’s easy to forget that before you were a mommy or a wife you were a woman. Not only did I get to feel like a woman. I got to spend a lot of time with my mom and my sister bonding in a way we have not done in a very long time. My mom has been a strong support to me throughout all of my life. She has stood there and pulled the strong hand when she had too, even though I know it nearly killed her to do it. She knew when to push me and when to let it slide. She did all of this so that I could become the best version of me. That is what a mom does, this is the type of mom I strive to be for all of my children

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In the midst of this great night and getting to be the part of me that is rarely seen these days because of all the other roles I have to fill in, I came to a realization. In order for me to be the kind of mom my mom is, I need to take care of me. I am not just a mom, wife, teacher, advocate, friend, sister or any of the other roles I take on. I am all of these and more. If I intend to keep going at the pace I do for any length of time without burring out I need to take time to take care of me in the process.

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I’ve got my sexy jeans on, my make up done, and getting my drink

Sometimes we just need to put our make up on, a pair of nice jeans, some heals and live it up like the beautiful women we are.

Here’s to remembering to put your sexy jeans on, do your hair and make up, get your drink and celebrate being the best version of you!

Taking Care of Me

So many times I lose myself in the roles of the various jobs I play.  Mom, wife, teacher, sister, daughter, advocate … these all blur and become one at some point. The biggest issue I run into is I somehow lose me in all of this.

Who do they want me to be? Can I be everything they need?

I find that I put so much energy into making sure everything is running smoothly for my children and husband that it normally turns into chaos. Yep that’s right! CHOAS, the exact opposite of what I intended or needed to happen.

Where did I go wrong? Why can’t I get it right?

I can’t get it right because I’m not taking time to step back and enjoy the little things in life. I’m not taking care of me so that I can be the best version of me for them.

This year I will take more time to take care of me. I will take more time to enjoy the small pleasures of my family and life in general. This year I will start to figure out how to do it for my family.