I find myself angry today. Little things are setting me off. I find myself feeling all ragey and anxious.
Lil girls meltdown set me to tears, lil mans hate you and hide behind the couch routine crushed my soul today. Lil advocate’a inability to see her own greatness slowly burns out my flame.
I’m sliding down a very slippery slope. One that is filled with darkness and self hatred.
I find myself questioning my ability to function, my ability to be a good parent. I’m not engaged enough, am I too self absorbed at the moment to see the beauty that stands before me? How can I not look into their eyes and see the millions of smiles they hold?
This is the slope I’m slipping on. You may not understand it, you may even criticize me for being at this point, but it is where I’m at. This is when it takes everything in my to find even the smallest of ropes to hold onto for dear life. Because if I don’t I give in. I give in and give up. I’m not a quitter but damn do I wish I didn’t need to hold on so tight.
I am strong and fierce. I hold my own and handle what comes my way.
I smile when the going gets tough. I laugh when life slams me to the ground.
At least that’s what everyone sees. Their eyes are blinded by my ability to hide what I don’t want you to see.
I yelled at the kids today because they wouldn’t get into the car. My routine is off and so is theirs.
I tuned out my family and hid in my room because all of these changes are coming faster than I can process.
My mornings are filled with meltdowns from a child who doesn’t understand not being able to go to preschool at 7 am and eating breakfast at home instead of school.
My son is done with school, at least in his mind, so we have meltdowns because he has to go.
My world changed when I walked the stage and graduated this week. My routine is off and I’m having a hard time coping.
I’ve turned to my old coping skills and my husband doesn’t understand. My children do not understand. The world around me does not understand.
The world around me sees a smiling face and a mom ready to take on the world. Yes I have learned to cope and blend with what society wants me to be, but right now I can not do it. Blending is too hard, I can’t be the smiling face and I’m not ready to take on the world.
I just want someone to do it all for me and let me hide from all of my social responsibilities for a little while.
Today I sat through yet another IEP meeting for yet another one of my kids. We did the full out thing, they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already expect walking into the meeting.
They indicated that Lil Girl has a significant difference between her scores in the area of attention and memory from those in logic and reasoning. Reasoning and logic are her strengths. Due to her strengths in this area she scored high in cognitive, which denied her services in this area.
Then they told me all about her personal – social behaviors. Here they spoke of how she is affectionate with family members and other adults. They did not show that it took her about 10 – 15 minutes to warm up to the evaluator that was playing with her. They talked about how she will sometimes allow adults to join her activities. They acknowledge that she does not like to help adults in the house, and that she is aware of other children, but does not interact directly with them. They say she can say her first and last name, but that she not respond correctly called by her name. Now here is the fun part because up until now it’s all clinical data … Lil girl LOVES playing in the kitchen. She will give bowls of food and feed her babies. But the data is a little well … incorrect. They say she will initiate socialization with her peers. THAT IS BULLSHIT! She does not care about the kids in her class. She is happier playing by herself and gets very irritable when other children mess up her play. I CALL BULLSHIT! Oh and she is aware of gender differences, because you know boys have a penis. Yup she went there. God do I love the things that come out of my kiddo’s mouths. Again they state that there is a significant difference between her score of self-concept and that of peer social skill development.
Her adaptive skills scored low as she still needs assistance with many tasks a 3 year old should be able to do, like undress themselves and always use utensils when eating, petting animals gently and not eloping.
Her communication scored high because she uses gestures to get her point across and understand a lot of what is being said to her. In other words, she makes herself and her needs known one way or the other. Her speech however is completely unintelligible.
So what does all of this mean? Simply stated … her attention and memory issues are not a problem because her logic and reasoning skills are so high. However there has been a large decline in those since her Early Steps screening (about 15-20 points). Her adaptive skills are 5 points too high and her social skills are 2 points to high. These two areas being too high by a few points have denied her services for developmental delay. They have indicated that she has a severe phonological impairment that impacts her ability to make her needs and wants known. So for now she is being placed in a 2 1/2 a day program that will be language and speech intensive.
While I am happy that she is getting intensive speech from the district, I feel lost because she had a really good testing day. It was one great day out of so many bad days that we go through. Now it is time to start working her therapy myself, like I had to do for me and for my son. While she scored anywhere form 2-5 points too high for the additional services, I will not let my child fall victim to a system that is too overworked and too finically stressed. My daughter will not fall through the cracks. She will succeed in her own way at her own pace.