Choices

Do you ever have days where you just don’t feel like you’re doing enough as a parent? That some how you are failing your kids?
I know I have those days. In an attempt to not run and hide from everything when my life gets rocky I’m here to admit that I am having that kind of day.

I haven’t been totally honest with myself. I came off my meds for my Bipolar Disorder, I stopped taking my anxiety meds and my ADHD meds. I didn’t want a life on pills to be “normal.” But what is normal? Is it this feeling of failing my children at every turn for my want of not taking a couple of pills each day? Is normal not wanting to engage in life and slowly start slipping into a black hole? Why is it that I can make the decision to stop taking meds that will allow me to function, yet I can make the decision to medicate my 4 year old daughter so that she has a fighting chance in life? That is a contradiction if I have ever seen one.

I am making bad choices for myself at the expense of those that depend on me.

Yup, I feel like I’m failing my kids and myself today, actually this whole week. This post isn’t about attention seeking, rather admitting that I am human and that I can feel defeated.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up and work towards being better version of myself that knows that sometimes there will be set backs and all I can do is try to make the day better than the one before it.Honestly that’s the best any of us can do.

See that is the scary part of dealing with complex needs in one house. My children depend on me, yet I am allowing my bipolar disorder and lack of wanting medications to determine how “good” of a parent I can be. Tomorrow I will take my meds, tomorrow I will call my doctor and be seen to get refills so that I can be a “good” mom, wife, and person again. Not for the sake of being “Normal” but for the sake of feeling like I can do it again. For the sake of being able to help my children who need me more than they can even begin to express.

Life happens, we make decisions both good and bad. The only thing we can do is learn from our decisions and work to make life better than it was the day before. It is up to me to change this path I am heading down. It is up to me to be there for my family and myself even when I don’t feel the best.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Choices

  1. You are very wise and honest in this post. I am sure you have had 100 times more victories than failures with your kids. We all make mistakes and it looks like you’re gonna pick yourself up out of this and carry on – like all great mothers do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s