Choices

Do you ever have days where you just don’t feel like you’re doing enough as a parent? That some how you are failing your kids?
I know I have those days. In an attempt to not run and hide from everything when my life gets rocky I’m here to admit that I am having that kind of day.

I haven’t been totally honest with myself. I came off my meds for my Bipolar Disorder, I stopped taking my anxiety meds and my ADHD meds. I didn’t want a life on pills to be “normal.” But what is normal? Is it this feeling of failing my children at every turn for my want of not taking a couple of pills each day? Is normal not wanting to engage in life and slowly start slipping into a black hole? Why is it that I can make the decision to stop taking meds that will allow me to function, yet I can make the decision to medicate my 4 year old daughter so that she has a fighting chance in life? That is a contradiction if I have ever seen one.

I am making bad choices for myself at the expense of those that depend on me.

Yup, I feel like I’m failing my kids and myself today, actually this whole week. This post isn’t about attention seeking, rather admitting that I am human and that I can feel defeated.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up and work towards being better version of myself that knows that sometimes there will be set backs and all I can do is try to make the day better than the one before it.Honestly that’s the best any of us can do.

See that is the scary part of dealing with complex needs in one house. My children depend on me, yet I am allowing my bipolar disorder and lack of wanting medications to determine how “good” of a parent I can be. Tomorrow I will take my meds, tomorrow I will call my doctor and be seen to get refills so that I can be a “good” mom, wife, and person again. Not for the sake of being “Normal” but for the sake of feeling like I can do it again. For the sake of being able to help my children who need me more than they can even begin to express.

Life happens, we make decisions both good and bad. The only thing we can do is learn from our decisions and work to make life better than it was the day before. It is up to me to change this path I am heading down. It is up to me to be there for my family and myself even when I don’t feel the best.

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This is ours

“Lil Girl” they say as they call her back to the room.

I’ve been here before, I know how this goes

“Mom what concerns do you have?”

God I wish I could say none and why are we here

“She doesn’t speak much and when she does you really can’t understand her unless you are fluent in Lil Girl”

That’s right, hide your fears behind humor. You are so good at it.

“We are going to look at some key areas of development, language, and articulation”

“Lil girl how old are you?”

Please respond. Say anything, even if it isn’t your age. Please don’t sit there and smile at them

“Lil girl are you 1? ::shakes head yes and smiles:: “are you two?” ::shakes head yes and smiles:: “are you five?” ::shakes head yes and smiles::

YOU ARE THREE!!! DAMN IT WHY CAN’T YOU SAY YOU ARE THREE????

They keep making their notes, they keep trying to get something from her.

“Lil girl what is this?::  points to a picture of a spoon. “oo” “can you say spoon?” “oo”

“what is this?” ::picture of an umbrella:: “lella” “What do you do with the UMBRELLA?” ::flapping:: silence:: the question is repeated “ol tot site”  ::still flapping::

OH MY GOD!!! She just answered in a sentence. She spoke in a sentence. I’m shocked. 

“Mommy, we need her to see the developmental psychologist and have a more in depth evaluation on her language and speech”

DAMN IT!!! I wanted to be imagining all of this. I wanted to be seeing things that weren’t there. FUCK!

“We have some forms for you and the preschool to fill out.” They are talking, but I can’t hear the words. They don’t make sense anymore.

Seriously … again?!? I DON’T WANT THIS AGAIN. I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN

The teacher forms aren’t much better. They were given back today.

“Lil girl doesn’t talk much. She doesn’t like to play with anyone and she gets upset if other children come to her”

Don’t cry mom, hold it together. You are stronger than this. Just keep reading

“She understands simple directions, like put it here, but most of the time when you ask her a question she just smiles”

Screw it! I can’t be strong any longer. I’m done, finished, I’m at my limit.  I let the tears roll down my face in silence. I cry because I was right all along. I know this is not the end, rather the beginning. I know that she follows in the footsteps of mommy and brother, and most likely daddy. I know that no matter what this challenging life throws at us, THIS JOURNEY IS OURS AND IT WILL NOT BREAK US!

This is me

Imagine a world where nothing matters, you could do anything. You thought you were invincible. Money could be spent without a thought to how the bills would be paid. Imagine a world where you were the best at everything and you needed very little sleep to get things done.  This world sounds kind of nice doesn’t it?

 Well this is mania – it’s my mania to be exact. It also comes with some very dangerous side effects. That money that you spent, you needed it to pay your rent or buy formula for the baby.  The things I think I can do because I’m unstoppable, well they have consequences as well. Those things almost destroyed my marriage more than once.  This phase can last for a few hours to a month or more at a time for me. Then comes the next phase … I crash.

 I fall into a bottomless pit of depression. It’s dark, it’s scary and most of all it is real. I’m not talking about sit around and cry type of depression. Oh that would be a piece of cake compared to what I experience.  When I hit this depression personal care doesn’t matter. If someone didn’t tell me to take a shower or brush my teeth I probably wouldn’t. During this depression I am not a good mom, I do the bare minimum to make sure my children are taken care of. Not because I don’t want to take care of them, but because I can’t.

 The dark world of this depression hurts physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m not good enough for anyone. I can list all of my faults to an exact measurement, even if no one else can see them. It’s during these depressions that I truly believe that the world would be a better place without me. I know how much of a burden I am on my family, and honestly when I am depressed because of my bipolar lows I know in my heart of hearts that my family would be better off without having to constantly worry about me.  

 As scary as those low points sound, they really aren’t the worst of it. It’s when you cycle back up into mania that it becomes dangerous. All of those negative thoughts you have during depression you now have the motivation to do.

My bipolar disorder has had a major impact on my life. It has impacted my family and those around me. It has led my husband to watch me attempt suicide and have to call 911 to have me hospitalized.  My bipolar disorder has led to my mother to question what she did wrong. She has had to sit in a doctor’s office and be told that without medications I would continue this destructive path.

With medications, which need to be adjusted every so often, I can be somewhat stable. Even that isn’t perfect. I still slip into nasty depressions and scary manias. This is my bipolar disorder; this is part of our life for better or worse. 

Changes are hard

Sunday night the kids and I talked about the changes that were going to come our way on Monday.

Mommy starts school again on Monday, just like you do. We will wake up early. We will go to school everyday. Mommy will pick you up from school after snack. Mommy will be home every night.

We have been having this conversation and this social story since winter break started in December. The only thing that changed is the start day.  Monday came and we woke up early. Lil man and Lil girl both made it out of the house on time without meltdowns! (win for me)

As we get into the car and are driving to school lil man tells me “It’s sleep time, sun sleep.”  Lil girl puts her two cents in “sun sleep.” Yes kiddos it is dark out. I’m sorry that you are having to be to school at 6:30 in the morning before the sun has even come up in the morning.  As we finish our short drive to the preschool and get out the car lil girl is excited to be back. Lil man knows that it is his job to press the smiley face so I can sign him in.

But now comes the change … We don’t drop off in the cafeteria for breakfast, it’s still too early for that. We don’t go to lil man’s class because his teacher isn’t there yet. He and his sister both go to the two year old room where they will wait for their teachers to come in for the day.

Where was mommy’s head? I didn’t think to prep them for this. How will they handle this change?

Lil girl was great about it. It was her class and her teacher so it was normal. Lil man threw himself on the ground crying as I tried to leave. He stood up as I walked out the door and ran after me.  Change is hard! 

At the end of the day Daddy and I pick up the kids from school. They tell us that lil girl will be transitioned into the three year old classroom. That it will be done in a single day.

Mommy isn’t ready for this! She isn’t able to fully communicate. She isn’t developmentally where the other three year olds are. She is below where most two year olds are. 

She made it into the three year old room with no issues. I watched her today when I picked her up. She loves the room and the new toys. She loves to sit by the other children doing her own thing. But she is there. She was ready even though I wasn’t.

Change is hard. It’s hard for a mom to let go and watch her children go into a new situation when you aren’t sure how they will do. It’s hard to accept that children change and grow. But change also teaches you things. This change taught me that lil girl loves the babies in the classroom and all the kitchen stuff to play with. She loves that she can do her own thing and still not be worried about the others in the classroom.

Lil girl taught me that while I might not be ready for it, she was and she is happy there. Change is hard, but needed if a child will progress to the next step. Whatever that may be for that child.

Judgmental stares

Dear Walgreens Employee and Shift Manager,

As Walgreens is a proud supporter of the Dan Marino Foundation 4th annual walk about autism I expect a little more from you in the area of awareness. However I should know better.

When my three year old daughter is having a melt down because she is fixated on a baby doll that she can not have at the moment it is really not your place or the time to look over your shoulder as the cashier to your manager and ask “Does your child act like that?”

You see, as I told you my child has autism. She is not reacting this way because she is a “spoiled brat.” Your unkind eye rolls are not going to change the fact that she is having a meltdown. This is not a temper tantrum. She is fixated on a baby doll. She is always fixated on a baby doll. It does not matter that she has on in the car or another 19 baby dolls at home to play with. She is fixated because all she plays with are baby dolls.

This mommy would love to educate you more about autism, but when you questioned her age and put her, by size, at four. I told you she was three and you rolled your eyes at her behavior. Well again I explained that she has a developmental disability and that while her chronological age is three she is functioning at the level of an 18 month old.

During a moment like this I am not sure what is going through your mind. What you think of my parenting skills or of how I should be treating my child’s behavior. My only focus at that moment is keeping my child from harming herself or others. I don’t have the time to educate you or any of the other three cashiers that are staring at my child and me.

In those four sets of eyes I am watched and in those moments I am judged, I am alone. I have accepted my children and the challenges their differences bring to the table. What I have not accepted is the ignorance that the general population has brought to the table. I have not accepted your judgmental looks and snarky mean spirited comments as the norm.

This mommy, will continue to educated the masses, but she will not be made to feel less by anyone!!!

Regards,

One pissed off mommy

Roller coaster

I am angry at you! Yes you, the ones who are making it impossible for my children to succeed in the typical functioning world.

You push these children aside and leave the parents to feel helpless at best.

I am jealous of you! Yes you, the one with the two year old that is speaking in full and clear sentences.

You don’t understand how hard it is when your child has words but can’t use them to tell you what they want or when they are hurting. Yet I am grateful that either of them have speech to share their words with me.

I am sick of you! Yes you, the mom or dad that is bragging on Facebook about that trip you are taking while your family takes care of your kids for you.

I hate that I cannot find a sitter that is capable of watching my two children with special needs. I hate that my own family cannot even watch the children long enough so that I can share a hot dinner with my hubby or hell take a nap.

I don’t want to hear it! So you couldn’t sleep for one night. I have lost track of the nights I go without sleep.

I am so angry, it seems like it is at the whole world, but honestly I am angry at myself for having these feelings. I am at a breaking point and need to have some time to regroup so that I can take care of my family. We are quickly approaching the winter holiday where all three of the kids will be home. Where I will spend 14 days with no help and no breaks. 14 days of meltdowns over schedules being off and things being different.

I DON’T WANT TO BE ANGRY ANYMORE!

Words from me to you

Dear Son,

I have watched you grow from before you were born. I have been with you through each step of your journey. Somedays I have cried tears of anger and sadness and others I have cried tears of joy and pride. Today though I did not cry as I watched you decided to pull a wall around you and your world.

Sunday morning you woke up and decided you were not going to speak. You see, for me this hurt. I wanted to scream at you to speak. I wanted to shake the words out of you. Those words are there, yet you choose not to use them. We have spent hours upon hours working to get to your words and here you are five years later locking them up inside you.

I know you don’t understand why I am frustrated right now, but I am. I hate watching you pull yourself into this world where only you know what is going on. You lose all eye contact when you do this and it scares mommy. I feel like I am losing the little boy I know when you go to this place.

I think it would be pretty cool if you could take me to this place with you. I know it’s got to be pretty amazing since you have been going there more and more these days.

Son, I know you don’t understand but Mommy misses you so very much these days. I am learning to accept that this world of yours is a safe place and that you will go there when you need to. I am learning to accept that you are not gone, rather just handling your thoughts in a way that you know how. Mommy does that too, I just don’t have any one to say “I wish you weren’t there” to me.

I can’t promise you I will always be the one who is okay with you going to your world, but I will always be the one who loves you no matter where you go or what words you decided to use and when.