March 18th marks my 31st year on this Earth. March 18th marks 31 years that I was lost and confused about myself and my life. There were so many unanswered questions, so many misrepresentations of who I was and am.
Well, almost 31 years that is. March 18th now marks the First year that I have answers and understanding to why things are the way they are.
What am I talking about you ask? It’s simple really, yet complicated.
All through my life I felt I didn’t belong or fit in. I mean I could morph myself into a certain group or find ways to blend in and hide in the shadows. But really it was exhausting, and at some point I just gave up on it. When I was 17 years old I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, and a few other disorders. They gave me a bunch of medications and I basically walked around like a zombi for the next 8 years. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was a shell of myself, who ever that was.
I came off all the meds with the exception of my mood stabilizer for my bipolar disorder as it was the only one that seemed to help. I still couldn’t do social situations, I literally just shut down and couldn’t function. I hadn’t been able to hold a job, I had no friends, my relationships were unsuccessful and needy at best.
In 2008 my lil man was born. In 2010 he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, part of the autism spectrum. It was at that time things started making sense to me. After following the words of two other Autism Mamas, Erin (Mutha Lovin’ Autism) and Karen (More than just a diagnosis – our journey), I took my suspicions to my doctor. After that appointment I walked out of his office with a better understanding of myself.
Hi, my name is Erin and I’m an aspie. But I am also a mom, a friend, and a teacher. The diagnosis didn’t change me or really anything else other than explain why the medications didn’t work and why things have always been the way they are. The truth is I am just me and a diagnosis didn’t change that.